Leaving the luxury

Sometimes, being married comes with its own weird form of telepathy.

For example, knowing I’m a NASCAR, Suzi yelled from another room that I should check out the photos from the house Tony Stewart is selling for $30 million …

… when I had literally just finished doing exactly that.

Nascar driver @TonyStewart’s Columbus, IN home is for sale for $30,000,000 and has nearly 20k square feet which includes a 2 story waterfall and trout stream in the entry lol pic.twitter.com/aZniMtUC9f

— Zillow Gone Wild 🏡 (@zillowgonewild) March 2, 2022

Between the trout stream, the gaming area, the racecar that’s HANGING ON THE DAMN WALL and that it looks like a branch of your favorite local outdoor megastore, it’s … well, it’s a lot.

I just don’t have $30 million between the couch cushions or a desire to live in Indiana.

Watching Josh Groban’s PBS special, including his sublime cover of “Angels” — for which I will absolutely plotz when we see him do it live this summer, sent Suzi down the Robbie Williams rabbit hole.

Which is how she found out he’s selling his mansion in Los Angeles to Drake for a cool $70 million-ish.

“The price tag is a reflection of the prized property’s rare combination of size and scale, which is unmatched in the Beverly Hills Post Office area. The trophy estate spans 20,000 square feet on more than 20 acres; for reference, there is no other home on the market in the 90210 ZIP Code with even close to that much land. …

… Inside are a handful of formal living spaces, 10 bedrooms and a staggering 22 bathrooms. In an interview with BBC Radio, Williams said the house has 27 toilets.

Amenities include an 11-car garage, elevator, wine cellar, gym and game room. The highlights continue outside, where terraces and balconies overlook a mosaic-tile pool, outdoor kitchen, tennis court and orchard.”

I’ve been to the Newport Mansions multiple times, Biltmore, the Getty Villa (pictured at the top of this post). I lived on Cape Cod with all its second homes by the beach that are maybe occupied a few months out of the year.

So I get it. Rich people own expensive houses.

But if you have the kind of house that you could turn into what looks like an extremely expensive adult playhouse or store 11 cars in your garage, why would you want to leave?

(Unless, you know, you’re trying to get rid of stuff as fast as you can before you’re the target of international sanctions, but I’m going to assume that’s not most of us.)

I know … I know … probably to spend more time in one of your other extraordinarily expensive houses.

But also this … how do you move out?

I’m well aware that Tony Stewart and Robbie Williams are probably not heading to the local office-supply store to buy boxes in bulk (but never enough on the first try) or, if they’re trying to save a few bucks checking to see if there are some slightly used and not-too-smelly produce boxes available.

They have people who I’m sure are paid very well to handle that stuff, but what kind of a project is it to pack up everything? Several of my die-cast cars apparently drove themselves away during my last move, but did I mention that Tony Stewart has a racecar HANGING ON THE DAMN WALL?

It’s a whole world that for many reasons is beyond my feeble powers of comprehension.

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