Hello there … I was hoping I wouldn’t see you again

Get outside, Suzi said, or else I’d regret it.

The balmy-for-February temperatures beckoned, but there was work to be done, deadlines to be met.

That was why I was working at home in the first place, to give myself the extra time that I would have otherwise been commuting, and then some.

But still, I couldn’t be so stuck in that I let it pass, especially since it was another one of those false spring days.

One lap, I decided. I’d give myself one lap after lunch around the loop that is our neighborhood. We ran into the neighbor’s dog along the way, a sweet pooch that we learned would be moving to Washington to be with her owner.

It was refreshing. It was delightful.

It was short. Fifteen or so minutes later, I was back at my laptop as Suzi continued her walk.

I got the work done. I met my deadline. When it was finished, we went back out, past a local playground filled with children and their parents.

It was still warmer than normal, but the wind had picked up, because the change was coming.

It’s snowing now.

“Just when they think they got the answers, I change the questions.”

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper

I know that the nice weather in February never lasts, but I let myself think I had made a truce with my imposter syndrome.

Not that things were exactly easy yet, but I was reasonably confident that I could do the things I needed to do, and when things felt like they were locked, I had a decent idea of where I could find a key.

Yes, there were hazards coming up that I wasn’t quite sure how I’d deal with them, but there was time, and maybe I’d be better-equipped by then.

Then I had one bad afternoon where everything felt like it fell apart.

The strange thing about it was that the person who seemed the most upset by it was me — a third-act problem … if you will. Talking to co-workers and bosses the next day, everyone seemed to accept it as a thing that happened sometimes, and any discussion of how to avoid the problem in the future was perfectly calm.

And when I’ve followed some of those suggestions, they’ve worked. When I found myself in difficult spots, I calmly, rationally assessed my options and steered my way clear.

Ever since then, however, I’ve had trouble shaking the feeling of seeing impending doom around every corner.

Worse yet, the only way I can get past this resurgent imposter syndrome is to … get through it, to eventually chalk up enough wins and solve enough problems that I can worry less.

I just don’t know when that will happen.

Advertisement