Hello there … I was hoping I wouldn’t see you again

Get outside, Suzi said, or else I’d regret it.

The balmy-for-February temperatures beckoned, but there was work to be done, deadlines to be met.

That was why I was working at home in the first place, to give myself the extra time that I would have otherwise been commuting, and then some.

But still, I couldn’t be so stuck in that I let it pass, especially since it was another one of those false spring days.

One lap, I decided. I’d give myself one lap after lunch around the loop that is our neighborhood. We ran into the neighbor’s dog along the way, a sweet pooch that we learned would be moving to Washington to be with her owner.

It was refreshing. It was delightful.

It was short. Fifteen or so minutes later, I was back at my laptop as Suzi continued her walk.

I got the work done. I met my deadline. When it was finished, we went back out, past a local playground filled with children and their parents.

It was still warmer than normal, but the wind had picked up, because the change was coming.

It’s snowing now.

“Just when they think they got the answers, I change the questions.”

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper

I know that the nice weather in February never lasts, but I let myself think I had made a truce with my imposter syndrome.

Not that things were exactly easy yet, but I was reasonably confident that I could do the things I needed to do, and when things felt like they were locked, I had a decent idea of where I could find a key.

Yes, there were hazards coming up that I wasn’t quite sure how I’d deal with them, but there was time, and maybe I’d be better-equipped by then.

Then I had one bad afternoon where everything felt like it fell apart.

The strange thing about it was that the person who seemed the most upset by it was me — a third-act problem … if you will. Talking to co-workers and bosses the next day, everyone seemed to accept it as a thing that happened sometimes, and any discussion of how to avoid the problem in the future was perfectly calm.

And when I’ve followed some of those suggestions, they’ve worked. When I found myself in difficult spots, I calmly, rationally assessed my options and steered my way clear.

Ever since then, however, I’ve had trouble shaking the feeling of seeing impending doom around every corner.

Worse yet, the only way I can get past this resurgent imposter syndrome is to … get through it, to eventually chalk up enough wins and solve enough problems that I can worry less.

I just don’t know when that will happen.


13 thoughts on “Hello there … I was hoping I wouldn’t see you again

  1. We’re always our own worst critics. It’s trite, but true… shit happens. And is apt to happen again. Breathe deeply, enjoy those rare warm days and know that this too shall pass. (Is that enough platitudes, because I have more. 😉 )
    If it makes you feel any better it’s 16 degrees and snowing here too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper was the best, wasn’t he? I know how you feel about being an imposter, but maybe you’re a real imposter so that means it’s okay for you to feel like you’re an imposter. ‘Twas meant to be.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: A mad dash: Feb. 27 – A Silly Place

  4. Eugh. It’s a bugger isn’t it. I had a bad day last week too. One arsehole colleague took it upon themselves to tell me I might have come over rude about a topic with a team where he has no prior knowledge. He sent several emails dismissing my reasoning, so much so that I was convinced he was right – I must be a horrid co-worker, rude and demanding. I asked the team lead involved, who laughed and said never. But as usual the arsehole undermined my confidence and did his best to make me feel small and useless, succeeding too.
    So sympathies but no advice I’m afraid.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: Kids these days have it so good: June 5 – A Silly Place

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