The Captain’s Quiz 4: Under Your Bed

Have you ever looked at a group of people and realized that all of them want something you have?

Because that’s what I’m doing right now, and what they want is the crown I’m carrying … a crown I won during Paul’s last Captain’s Quiz.

And now that Paul has called us back for another round, they all want to take their shots at me.

Talented people are waiting for me: Sabrina, Aaron, The Finicky Cynic … and those are just the ones I know about.

And then there’s Giggles. Look at the anger on her face as she looks at the crown … a crown I won from her the last time around … a crown she literally thinks is her property.

Unfortunately for her, when she was moving from Toronto to Ottawa, the box with the crown — my crown — must have fallen out of the car and a Good Samaritan found it by the side of the road, figured out where it was supposed to go and sent it to me.

Seriously, Giggles … sorry about your damn luck.

So that’s who’s waiting for me … and they’re going to wait until I’m ready.

Because when you’re the champ, things run on your time.

Good luck, everyone, but remember one thing — to be the man (or the woman) …

… well, you know the rest.

THE 10 QUESTIONS

1. Rank your top five favourite Halloween candy and explain your choices.

• Peanut butter cups
• Snickers bars
• 3 Musketeers
• Milky Way

What more explanation do you need, but chocolate and sugar? But if you want to dispense what the chocolate stuff and just inject yourself with sugar, you have to go with SweeTarts.

2. In horror films, the victim normally runs upstairs while the killer is chasing them around the house. If you were to write a “what not to do” handbook for future characters in horror films, what would your chapter titles be?

“There’s A Reason That House is Vacant”

“Unless You’re Playing Hockey in the 1970s, Stay Away From the Guy in the Goalie Mask”

“So WHY Are You Going to the Cemetery Late at Night?”

“Clowns Are Bad News … Always”

“Chainsaws Are Not Toys”

“A Running Car is a Good Thing”

3. If there was a monster under your bed, what would it look like?

The dust bunnies would become flesh, and we’d die by coughing and wheezing.

4. “I Know What You Did Last Summer” follows a group of friends who are trying to keep the details of last summer under wraps, while being stalked by a killer with a hook. What is something you did this past summer that you did not share on social media?

I know Paul is getting older, but I didn’t realize 30 was an age where you thought people did anything without posting it on social media.

That being said, I’m pretty sure that none of the food I ate this summer found its way to Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.

5. If you were to provide a trick instead of a treat, what would your trick be?

I’d explain why Wilt Chamberlain and not Michael Jordan is the greatest NBA player ever, which I’m positive would ensure no children ever came to my house again.

Which would be too bad, because I enjoy giving out candy to all the kids in the neighborhood.

6. How long can you wear a Halloween costume before wanting to change into something else? Please provide a specific amount of time.

When we went out trick-or-treating as kids, I gather it took about two hours, so I’ll say two hours. After that, just bring on the candy.

7. What Halloween decoration could we, as a society, do without?

I fail to see the appeal of skulls.

8. The songs, “Thriller” and “Monster Mash” have really cornered the market on “background-song-for-a-slideshow-of-student’s-Halloween-costumes”. What song was at the top of the Billboard Top 100 list the year you started high school? (You can find this on Google). Did you like the song?

Because we went straight from elementary school to high school, I stared high school in seventh grade, in 1984. The No. 1 song that year was “When Doves Cry” by Prince, which is only … you know … a classic.

Looking at the top of the list, 1984 wasn’t a bad year for music, including “Let’s Hear It For The Boy” by Deniece Williams at No. 13, which was the No. 1 song on my birthday.

9. What is your favourite Halloween-themed movie?

“It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”

10. Bobbing for apples is a cliché party game that poses multiple health risks. If you threw a Halloween party, what activities would you provide?

I would just provide endless amounts of sweets and then return everyone to their parents.

BONUS QUESTIONS

1. Tell me a scary story.

A man was driving down a dark road, fearful of what the bearded hordes may be doing.

He turned on the radio, seeking news, and learned of the man asked to save the day.

Javier.

“Oh, no,” the man thought. “Anyone but Javier.”

Sure enough, the bearded hordes only got stronger.

Knowing his fate, the man shut off the radio. There was no point in continuing to listen. The reckoning would come soon enough.

2. Put two minutes on the clock. Type as much as you can about anything pumpkin related, before time expires.

Once upon a time, pumpkins served three purposes: acting as magic carriages until midnight, having faces carved into them for Halloween and being eaten in holiday pie.

Those were the good old days.

Is was one thing for pumpkin flavor to be added to breads and muffins, but then someone had the bright idea to put pumpkin spice in latte … followed by the great idea to start selling it in August.

It was sad, really.

3. List all the costumes you’ve ever worn for Halloween.

The only ones I remember are baseball player and football player. There must have been others, but they’re lost to memory.

4. Are you a scarecrow or a jack-o’-lantern?

Definitely a scarecrow. I’d rather not have my eyes, nose and mouth gouged out with a knife, not to mention a hole cut in the top of my head and all my insides ripped out.

Plus jack-o’-lanterns have lousy teeth.