A crazy Christmas gift for a boring person

Who doesn’t love Christmas ugly-sweater parties?

Me, that’s who.

I have nothing against people who do love them, but what most people see as “fun, silly activity with family and friends,” I see as “way for me to choose to look ridiculous when I can pretty much do that living my life.”

I don’t like dancing for pretty much the same reason.

Yes, I probably have issues, but I’m mostly a very reserved person until or unless I’m comfortable, and I’m extremely boring.

But even the most-basic, boring person in the world sometimes has a reason to embrace the odd, the goofy, the perhaps even wacky: bright orange shirts you can see from the moon, random bobbleheads you only care about because they were offered …

… and New York Yankees totem poles.

The only stuff I asked for out of the normal this year were replacements for gloves and slippers that had worn out, and a pair of hiking boots. Yup, really exciting stuff there.

As I would hope you realize by this point, my Christmas wish list is not particularly adventurous. I always get some clothes — my Christmas Eve sweater was one my wife gave me on Festivus — and the gifts from my in-laws always include toiletries and a Yankee calendar.

Mostly, though, I ask for books, and I even read the same one first after Christmas — that year’s edition of the Best American Sports Writing series. (I just started it, and the first story is a masterclass that inspires me and makes me lament my utter inability to do that at the exact same time.)

Because I mostly read on a Kindle, it tests the creativity of the people giving me the books. There are only so many small boxes, cards and gift bags, unless you’re my brother — who got nearly all the creativity and most of the sense of mischief between the two of us and therefore put the slips for the books he bought me in a cardboard tube.

The only stuff I asked for out of the normal this year were replacements for gloves and slippers that had worn out, and a pair of hiking boots.

Yup, really exciting stuff there. Again … I’M BORING!!!!

But you know what? I liked all of the stuff everyone got me, even though the shoes and boots have to be exchanged, because my feet have apparently shrunk.

My mother likes to get me something a little more fun for Christmas, which was easy when I was collecting NASCAR die-cast cars. I’d send her the ones I liked, she’d order them and I’d open them last on Christmas morning.

But (mostly) due to lack of space, I didn’t ask for any cars, for Christmas or my birthday.

So she had to get creative, which is why I found myself holding a Yankees totem pole Christmas morning.

Once I realized what it was, I knew there would be something to figure out.

Where was I going to put it?

I promised my wife I’d put it in the sports room, which is the one room in our house I get to decorate however I want — a proper arrangement all around, given her much-better taste — but there aren’t a lot of places for something that tall.

The best spot was on the bookcase. I rearranged a couple things, and it’s not symmetrical, but I like the arrangement.

And I’m hoping having something so fierce in such close proximity to Boston will cause the Red Sox to implode next season.

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