You’ve got to be s—-ing me

Imagine a world where, thanks to artificial intelligence, your toilet can figure out what’s wrong with you by scanning your poop,

Should that day ever come, Sanjay Mehrotra of chipmaker Micron Technology is here for it.

“Medicine is going toward precision medicine and precision health,” Mehrotra said at the Techonomy 2018 conference in Half Moon Bay on the Pacific coastline south of San Francisco. “Imagine smart toilets in the future that will be analyzing human waste in real time every day. You don’t need to be going to visit a physician every six months. If any sign of disease starts showing up, you’ll be able to catch it much faster because of urine analysis and stool analysis.”

I understand that stool samples might have some medical value. In fact, I’ve collected them for my cats over the years because our vet has asked for them.

But this … I absolutely have questions about this, starting with …

1. How will they know it’s me?

My wife also lives in my house. People come to visit. Is this special technology going to know who’s who?

2. If it does know who’s who, how will it know?

3. Every so often, I scoop our cat’s litter and toss what I pick up into the toilet. Will the machine think I’m some sort of human-animal hybrid and call the authorities?

4. What exactly will I have to install? Will there be an app? Does it connect to my Alexa?

5. Will it work if the toilet gets clogged?

6. How will I be informed? Will the results come back up from whence the sample came?

7. Will it have a reading of “What in the WORLD were you eating!?!?!?!”

So yeah, if it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll stick with my old trusty toilet.

In case you’ve gotten to this point and are thinking, “Didn’t Bill write something toilet-related not that long ago?” the answer is yes, yes I have.

And it’s not the first time.

What can I say? The small part of me that hasn’t outgrown my inner Beavis and/or Butt-Head finds this stuff kind of funny.

The picture above was taken in one of the men’s rooms in my office building, and I posted just a few comments about it on my various social media.

“1. It’s not me.

2. There’s a rocket scientist in my office building?

3. By ‘crap,’ does he mean literal crap, or other things along with toilet paper, some of which may be actual crap?

4. How does that conversation go at the front door? ‘Hello, I am here to pour things in your toilet until it overflows.’

5. Again, it wasn’t me, but if you come to my house, I have plungers.

6. Those plungers can also be swung at people’s heads.

7. Therefore, don’t come to my house to clog my toilet, especially since I didn’t do it.”

I have no idea if the culprit was ever found.

One thought on “You’ve got to be s—-ing me

  1. Pingback: My favorite blog posts of 2018 – A Silly Place

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